I feel gross.

Whenever I have an experience with bureaucracy, or really any time I find myself wasting away in a waiting room for hours at a time, I get this overwhelming urge to reward myself with fast food or junk. This goes way back to childhood, when my mom would reward us after a trip to the dentist with a stop at TCBY on the way home. Today, after waiting around the food stamps office for four hours starting at 8:30am, I got off the subway and made a beeline for Lite Bites, where I quickly ordered and absconded with a tuna melt. Comfort eating is comfort eating, but why, oh, why a tuna melt? Though I didn't eat the whole thing, I still feel greasy and full, on top of feeling kind of uneasy about my experience at the food stamps office. I felt like I was an impostor in that line, like I wasn't really allowed to be there. I kept thinking about how different my world is from those of many of the other people who were there. I forgot that my brother once collected food stamps, and that this service is there for people who need it, and I do actually need help. I didn't think about the fact that I have been contributing tax money for a decade in this state, and that counts for something. Honestly, having not been in this situation before, I feel ill-at-ease about allowing myself to enter into this government aid system, not really knowing if I will come to regret it later. I just have to remind myself that in this market, in this day and age, I am no more deserving of special treatment, and no less deserving of aid, than the millions of other people in similar situations. So, bring on the government cheese.